Alcohol Treatment Help Weblog

In the first three articles on children of alcoholics we started showing how alcohol abuse by parents affect children’s life both physically and emotionally. There are important consequences of drinking most of the time ignored by people simply because of lack of information and proper education since early ages.

You can read these articles here:

1. Insidious damages inflicted on drinker’s family. Children of alcoholics. (part 1)
2. Insidious damages inflicted on drinker’s family. Children of alcoholics. (part 2)
3. Children of alcoholics. Part 3 - emotional life.

Today we continue with drinking consequences on children’s emotional life. The first article on emotional life showed how very young children and infants are suffering from family violence in general and how alcohol is most of the time the primary cause for such violence. A simple scene of both parents arguing is perceived by the child with much higher intensity than we can imagine and the memory of that feeling does not disappear while he grows, affecting his emotional stability.

In what follows, I will lay down an example (A clinical case) which doesn’t refer to alcoholism but which proves the possibility of re-memorization of emotions related to incidents happened before the child is one year old.

The adoptive mother of a little girl has noticed that at the bed time when she was covering the little girl’s face with a sheet, this one had an unusual emotional reaction .She was screaming: ”No, no, mummy you are suffocating me!” Her face was whitening; she was trembling and was crying for hours. The adoptive mother had taken the girl from the orphanage when the latter was only 9 months old. Alarmed, she made investigations and found out that at the orphanage, a nurse annoyed by the babies who were crying was suffocating them with the pillow put on their face to shut up.

The example displays on one hand the unpleasant events happened at youngest ages that don’t disappear from the memory and affect the child’s behavior for the rest of his life.

Let’s get back to the idea mentioned above: the irritated and/or angry voice unwillingly and unconsciously evokes the ancient quarrels from the house of the former children of alcoholics after they have grown up.
Almost without exception, the adults who have assisted some other time as children to fights (either physical or verbal) provoked by the drunken and violent father have intense affective reactions when they hear such voices around them. This happens even if the voices are addressed to someone else, having no implication in. We talk about an associative stimulus that evokes the emotional part of remembrances without having the possibility to evoke the concrete event too.

Let’s take these hidden, perverse consequences of the drunkenness scenes happened in the family: the child who is an adult now will react in an irritating way when he is addressed in a load voice. The emotion is so unbearable that in order to calm down he will throw down objects, he will smash things, he will rush to people to beat them, and he will insult them due to an affect he is dominated by, regretting after that and being not able to explain it or to abstain from it.

But his life partner is not obliged to bear living next to a man who breaks windows with no reason apparently. She won’t understand these gestures as an unconscious defense reaction in front of an emotion hard to imagine and to repress. On the contrary, she will interpret it as an offensive, violent gesture by the type: “He broke my crystal vase that was a present from my mother”. Neither the boss from the working place, nor the owner, nor the colleagues, nor his friends are obliged to bear some reactions they don’t understand, perceiving them as gestures addressed against them. The consequences might be the following: divorce with bad consequences for children, difficulties at the working place, social isolation or undeserved repressions.

There are various cases of families within which a professional observer may see how the casualty chain is extended from an alcoholic, “brawler” father to the descendent families, going further along many generations.

An example:

An intellectual but an alcoholic and a violent person who was maltreating his wife had three children. The eldest son with university studies had self exiled on another continent on the opposite side of the world when he had the opportunity to go, to forget about the remembrance of “the hell” he had at home.

He has been traumatized since he was a little boy by the “show” of the scandals and fights from his family, having been beaten since he was 3 years old - for instance for the blame of falling down when he was playing. He displayed a strange behavior that was a regressive infantile one, excessively protective with his beloved reaching the edge of even terrorizing them with his care, excessively intellectualized, characterized by a snobbism got to the extreme of absurdity on one hand and mendacity in his attempt to save his deteriorated self esteem on the other hand. He was married twice, but both marriages failed due to his character. He had two daughters. The younger daughter suffers of deviant disturbances explained by her living together with a man having her father’s character.

The other child of the drunken intellectual we are talking about was a daughter. She suffers of Oedipal Pathology preferring to excuse and to deny the negative consequences of the paternal alcoholism, irrationally blaming her mother who has suffered all her life like a martyr, trying to help her children. But in fact, this daughter has developed an envious character, full of resentments, deliriously attributing bad intentions to those who were around her.

Perfectionist, obsessed by the others’ opinion about her and her family, she has always tried to make up for the shame of a denigrated child grown up in poverty in the house of an alcoholic. She has always raised the standard of performances for her and her children.

The direct consequence was that her son, an intellectual with a high level of performances has self exiled on another continent too. This son, in the fourth decade of life, is still hesitating to get married stating: ”I’m afraid of not getting a woman like mother and to suffer like father”. His sister, wildly “pushed” by her mother to be the first at school and to satisfy her mother’s ambitions has become a doctor but in spite of her excellent intellectual capacities she wasn’t able to overpass an inferior hierarchical level of activity, hence her refuge in a bigoted religiosity.

Her son (the alcoholic’s grand-grandson), having been imperatively and restrictively educated under his grandmother’s influence (the alcoholic’s daughter), after getting excellent academic performances, in his need of over passing his reduced self esteem and the difficulties he had in socializing himself due to the way he was grown up, he began to drink and little by little he became an alcoholic to close the circle and to start another cycle of misfortunes and of a low quality life again and again.

A consequence of the infantile psychical traumas caused by an alcoholic father, may be, in girls’ case especially, the rush marriage, contracted by chance with an unfit person in most cases, in order to escape as soon as possible from the paternal house. Such marriage, at its turn, assumes the risk of a deep sufferance. The equivalent for boys in such cases is their going away leaving no address that punishes more the not-guilty parent than the alcoholic one.

Until the next article when we conclude this series, as always, I want to hear from you. Can you identify such cases ? There are differences in this evolution children of alcoholics take from culture to culture, from country to country or even from continent to continent. But the essence remains. Alcohol consumption by parents can affect their descendants for generations.

Let’s talk! Comments are open.

I participated to a group of Anonymous Alcoholics meeting one evening. The topic of the debate was about the troubles and the misfortunes alcohol generates to the Alcoholic himself.

That is, about the problems related to poverty, loss of job, improper qualification and limitation, the feeling of abandonment from the part of the partner or of his own children, the degradation of the person’s social relationship, and the release of his exploitation by the others; the loss of attraction, of stigmatization, fights and murders, driving and domestic accidents or of any other kin.

These have severe consequences such as: invalidity, death, loss of goods, the impossibility of succeeding in his own plans, projects or business affairs, the incapacity to manage his time with the loss of the deadlines, the incapacity to get and to use in his own benefit the outcomes and the success, the conflicts he has with the police, various civil and penal rights implications and many others.

I felt the need to intervene: yes, all these misfortunes frequently happen to the one who drinks a lot. But we are selfish if we complain only about what is happening to us.

Drinking consequences quickly overpass own persona and destroy beings and fates we would have never thought of. I am not talking here about the alcoholic’s partner, although the life spent with an alcoholic is so hard, and it could be understood only by the one who has lived such experience by himself. I neither talk here about the unhappy fate of that non alcoholic family whose parent was killed by a drunken driver on the zebra, after he had gone from the “Beer Festival” by car.

I am talking about children of alcoholics who suffer since before they are born if the mother drinks during pregnancy, who suffer when they are little and the parents fight, who develop most of the time heavy emotional and physical problems due to the fact that one or both of their parents are alcoholics. These children carry a burden all their lives directly inherited from parent’s deeds.

In the next articles we will start discussing the fate of the alcoholic’s children. We will try to list and discuss the damages the drunken persons inflict to their children without even knowing it. Before we start, what are your experiences on this topic ?

Read part two of “Insidious damages inflicted on drinker’s family. Children of alcoholics.” article here.

…it is a tragic truth we’ve seen too many times and so many times overlooked by parents when prepare their teenage children for the first party to attend.

The joyful days of youth when we started going to parties. Places and people we enjoyed and love to remember. If only at that moment someone would’ve told us that drinking and laughing together could be the start of loneliness…

We’ve all seen too many times youngsters drinking alcohol to get the courage to approach a girl or just to warm up and bring more life to the party. Can you count how many of them have become alcohol addicts ? I guess you all know some. And once they did, have the majority of people around them continued to treat them like nothing happened and stayed around them?
The loneliness part comes once the drinker starts making excesses and misbehave. The others will gradually start pushing him away, avoid inviting him to group gatherings, and eventually he or she will be completely rejected. The sad thing is that he or she will not realize that alcohol is to blame and will instead blame the others for the isolation and his problems.

Take other stories, like a drinker who once had a family, a job and work colleagues which are now all gone. Why? Because nobody told him before he started drinking that alcohol will take away all the persons around him and leave him alone.

Is alcohol a shameful guilty vice ? Can an alcoholic be held responsible for having become an alcoholic ? Is there hope ? …these are questions to be answered further in our discussion. Meantime, feel free to comment, add your own experience, examples or simply contradict what it is said above. We want to hear from you.